To the writer of the absurd question on a high school standardized test—Bible subtest:

Enter the mind of Hypothetical Student A with me. We’ll call her Sarah—your typical 16-year-old private Christian school sophomore. Bust out those inference skills you’re so fond of employing and assume she’s a Christian or has sufficient Bible training. Sarah is taking your Bible test as a part of the required annual [...]

To this week’s dialogue:

If my week were a comic strip, you are the word bubbles everyone would read aloud to their friends.
“He says he hasn’t seen any boobs.”
Crossing the New Bridge on the way home from school, Cory has his second Bamako sighting of a shirt that says BOOBS. Assuming my brother secretly desires one of his [...]

To my hoards of American food:

How did I let it come to this? There are more boxes of Jell-O than days left in Mali! At first I begged for you fill my empty cupboards. Graciously my friends and relatives hightailed it to their local Wal-Marts with shopping lists that resembled that of a panicked Y2K [...]

To Husband, wherever you are:

Sorry to bother you, but I need some of your personal information for the adoption papers. You see, I cannot officially take these children home until I prove that you indeed exist. While I’m certainly convinced that you’re (cue Fievel music) somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight, these orphanages have their technicalities.
You [...]

To Mango Rains, on your arrival in Mali:

What am I saying? It’s not just an arrival, it’s a sweet welcome home celebration! You’re finally here! Our prodigal precipitation has returned at last! Bring robes and rings! Kill the fatted calf and let’s feast! For tonight it rained!
Far down the road we could see you coming. [...]

To Gecko, again:

Nightmarish fiend! You crept into my subconscious last night and starred in another gripping performance of Godzilla Goes to Mali.
What, you don’t remember? That is because it wasn’t really you. In my mind’s ever so complicated system of metaphors and analogies, you were symbolized by none other than a Beanie Baby. [...]

Dear foxes of Dogon Country,

I have a proposition for you. Since the Dogon people so highly regard your decision making skills, I would also like to call on you for some prophetic words—or tracks rather.
Checking my notes from our 4-day trek through Dogon Country, I see that you are often used in predicting everything from births to harvests. [...]

To Gap, Inc., on laundry day:

Today, on the official day of laundry, I made the profound discovery that nearly all of my tops were manufactured by your fine company. This revelation occurred when I reached a glorious laundry triumph. You see, at this very moment everything I own is clean! Hallelujah!
Now I stare at the nicely [...]

To my weary students, on completing yet another round of standardized tests:

Whether it was prompted by a chalkboard full of quotations to memorize or a chunky piece of Hemingway to digest, you have all asked, “Miss Flindt, why do we have to learn this?”
“It’ll be on the test,” I respond automatically.
You believe me. You trust that there will indeed be a test that measures all the [...]

To Arsenal, on your loss to Liverpool:

As far as I’m concerned you’re the white jersey team who just lost to the red jersey team, so I won’t pretend I really know you. However, you mean a lot to my roommate-brother, which is why I tolerated watching the final half hour of your French-narrated soccer game. My vote was for [...]