As far as I’m concerned you’re the white jersey team who just lost to the red jersey team, so I won’t pretend I really know you. However, you mean a lot to my roommate-brother, which is why I tolerated watching the final half hour of your French-narrated soccer game. My vote was for Season 3 Disc 2 of House. I’m sorry for your public humiliation. Apparently the general expectation was for another W (please pronounce “dub-eh-yah” for full effect). But in an attempt to console you and my roommate-brother, here are some universal words of encouragement:

• “Hurts, doesn’t it?” Although he sometimes substituted don’t for doesn’t, my dad uttered these words nearly every time my brother or I hurt ourselves. It really made us reflect on what we had done, and in the end we were thanking him for asking us that deep, rhetorical question.
• “No tears! Go shake their hands.” To a squad of shocked and sobbing girls, our coach repeated this to us until we obeyed, stubbornly shaking the hands of the Hawaii team raising the bigger trophy. Good sportsmanship is vital. As is repressing your emotions. Though she did allow us to purchase and then relentlessly torture a Hawaiian Barbie doll on the ride home.
• “Don’t come crying to me!” Every parent, teacher, babysitter, older sibling, school bus driver, and nun has barked this at an unsuspecting youngster. It is, of course, inevitably followed by the four most assuaging words in the English language: I told you so. (Common variations include “Don’t say I didn’t warn you” and occasionally the softened version “I hate to say I told you so”.)
• “What’d you do wrong?” As one who instinctively poses this question to my brother after his screw ups, I cannot emphasize enough what a valuable tool this is in the encouragement tool box. It allows the loser to shift the blame from himself, thus creating a diversion from the pain of losing.
• “It’s just a game.” What a great way of bringing perspective to something you could’ve possibly blown way out of proportion! This type of encouragement gently reminds the loser that all of their preparation was meaningless, their hopes in vain, and the biggest event of their life only a passing vapor of nothingness. (Acceptable adaptations–It’s just a(n)…grade, recital, race, award, job, spouse, incredibly large sum of money).
• “I understand,” or “I feel your pain.” With sober eyes and a sincere tone, this single phrase of empathy will surely enable them to feel at peace. Being understood is the cry of every heartbroken loser, and you can only strengthen their spirits by using this consolation. Tip: Share a story about a similar (or completely dissimilar) experience you have had or seen on TV!

So team in the white jerseys from somewhere in England, may these snippets of support dissuade all of that negativity you might be confronted with. And when that fails, draw embarrassing French mustaches over their scummy Scouser mouths.

Better luck next time, There’s always tomorrow, Keep your heads up, Get over it,

Amber