Nightmarish fiend! You crept into my subconscious last night and starred in another gripping performance of Godzilla Goes to Mali.

What, you don’t remember? That is because it wasn’t really you. In my mind’s ever so complicated system of metaphors and analogies, you were symbolized by none other than a Beanie Baby. You took the form of a neon orange and silver stuffed animal that emerged from my toilet and hurried up the wall. So, not only are you out to kill and destroy, you’re spreading your gross sewer germs all over my clean apartment.

Cue Google. Orange geckos like the one you portrayed are not found in Mali, so I must take this as an omen that one will soon arrive in a toilet near me. What does the rest of the world have to say about orange geckos? A West Virgina woman saw one in her garden and being rightfully alarmed, asked Yahoo answers for some help. One very educated response says, “well, bright color usually denotes toxicity… maybe not enough to harm a human, but enough to discourage its natural predators… try contacting the local zoo or major university and ask to speak to their reptile expert.”

It just so happens that Bamako has a zoo. And it just so happens that they have a brand new Reptile building! HA! However, I refuse to contact the Bamako Zoo unless it’s to kindly ask them to remove the dead manatee. Yes, a real rock-hard manatee, which people proudly carve their initials into like some railing on the Eiffel Tower.

A non-gecko related recommendation: Do not take a school field trip to any zoo that 1) allows roaming monkeys to bite students, requiring painful tetanus shots 2) leaves donkey carcasses in the cages of all carnivores 3) encourages visitors to pet the lion. Even if it’s less than 25 cents to enter, it’s not worth it.

So, Gecko, I guess that leaves me with no choice but to tremble in fear awaiting your return. But I might as well laugh about it, right? Join me, will you. And read the rest of these recommendations to the West Virginal woman who has a bit of lizard terror herself:
“Could be a salamander or gecko, and will help your garden by eating the bugs that will eat your flowers! Leave it alone, it’s more scared of you than you are of it!” Why do people keep saying this? Lies, all LIES!

“It’s a really common slamader in the US. It excretes a poisonous substance if it’s threatened… but it won’t hurt you unless you lick it or something… even then it PROBABLY wouldn’t kill you. just leave it alone and keep small children away from it.” Lizard Licking…So this is how I should punish my little disobedient 6th graders.

“if u think its going to indanger u or ur family (if u have a family) call ur local animal care center or that place that u call if u c something strange with an animal (like a racoon in the middle of daylight in ur garbage cane)” I can’t do it. I can’t even begin to comment on this. It’s taking everything in me just to re-read it without rolling over laughing or throwing my computer against the wall.

“Honey, an “orange lizard”, as you call it, is a salamander.” Can’t you just picture the sweet old retired reptile expert writing this? (I know there were 4 adjectives before expert and no commas. I know.)

“I would not take any chances. If its whT I THINK IT IS its a lizard that has toxic skin so NO TOUCHY!!!. Or it could be the one that is only deadly if you eat it so NO PUTTING IN MOUTHY!!!. Either way catch it carefully and dont harm it. i bet its someones pet that escaped so be nice. Its probably scared” What? You want me to catch it without putting it in my mouthy?

Still here…and still using the school bathroom,

Amber