MISSIONARY MOMENTS: what kept me going this summer; what might inadvertently end world hunger with pennies

Dear kind old woman who introduced me at my final speaking engagement,
Africa is a continent.  Not a country.  If I had a penny for every time you said “the country of Africa” in your introduction, I would be the richest person in the state of Owasso.  Or I could use all of those pennies to buy you the award-winning children’s book Africa is Not A Country.

But honestly, how could I blame you for a silly mistake like that?  It’s obviously not your fault.  Who is to blame you ask?  Let us turn to the profound words of a famous orator whose widely quoted speech boasts over 30 million You Tube hits!  Miss Teen USA South Carolina wisely points out that,

“US Americans out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the US should help the US or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our.”

Well, duh.

So lady who introduced me, get a map.  Or just watch Miss South Carolina’s speech and you’ll feel a lot better about yourself.  I know I do.

Thanks for making my missionary moments more memorable,
Amber (The Missionary, in case you didn’t read my name tag)

Clearly I have issues with letting go.  This would explain why I’m still wearing tank tops and sundresses.  In windy, rainy, fally weather.  And why I’m still listening to my beach bum playlists of Jesse McCartney and old school Smashmouth.  And why I’m still writing the month as 8 instead of 9.

Oh, but autumn is here.  And as my mother would say, “If it were a snake it woulda bit ya!”  Actually, it’s like a hungry 12-headed venom shooting snake carrying a flashing neon sign that screams, “Meet thy doom, Lovers of Summer”.

Allow me to introduce you to my snakebites….
•    School.  I go twice a week and listen to dry lectures and read fat books and use words like henceforth and schematics and wear culturally punny graphic t-shirts that only intellectuals understand.  And P.S. Because of this institution of school, I’ve been abandoned.

• My mom is back among the working after her much-deserved 2 months off.  Though we all know teachers never turn off their teacher brains.  We spent an hour road trip together brainstorming fun new ideas for teaching volume and the scientific method.  Because that’s really what teachers talk about in their spare time.
• Cory traded his absolutely perfect life here with us for a 3-bed 3-bath apartment with his friends.  And an “education.”  Right.  So basically I have no one to entertain me during the day except Lucy who drags her butt on the floor and chases flies.  Which is way funnier when Cory does it.

•    Rain.  Rain.  Rain.  Complements of Gustav.  And this inevitable thing called “weather.”
•    Summer Sales have said goodbye and my superhero ability to find amazing articles of clothing and accessories at incredibly good prices has been rendered useless.  Just like my vast collection of open-toed shoes.
•    My watch is broken.  No, I don’t have a tangible connection to this earth-shattering event and the fact that it’s fall, but I’m just bummed.  Now I have to find a new watch, fall in love with it, and adjust to glancing at it at least 77 times a day.  Replacing such a high-status item will be quite a thorough process.  If you see me in the jewelry section at Wal-Mart with a clipboard of Watch Likeability spreadsheets, don’t be alarmed.

In an effort to not be sooooooo dadgum pessimistic, we should sandwich the bad with the good.  Or in this case, just add some good.  So it’s not really a sandwich per se.  Ok, the bad could be a Sloppy Joe sandwich and the good is the sesame seeds on top that make it look more appetizing than you know it really will be.  Because no one over the age of 8 eats a Sloppy Joe and enjoys it.
•    The indescribable feats of athleticism and spectatorship that are FOOTBALL have begun.  And this year I’m even partaking in a Fantasy Football league.  Mostly because I want to legitimately wear this shirt.
•    Au revoir re-runs.  Shout it with me: Season Premiers!  Season Premiers!  Season Premiers!
•    Fall = fall colors = wardrobe shift = finally I can wear brown all the time!  Since the majority of my closet looks like it was purchased by a wannabe UPS driver, I tuck most of it away during the summer months so as not to appear completely DRAB.  But since fall’s middle name is DRAB, I should at least let my clothes come out for a breath of this DRABBY fall air.
•    After sending him scotch tape for the past eight years, Joe Fox has finally promised to send me that bouquet of sharpened pencils.
•    Fall hosts many exciting events including the Tulsa Run—sign me up for anything that requires I buy new shoes, the Presidential election—no comment, and the highly anticipated National Deviled Egg Day—I know you egg enthusiasts have your calendars marked for November 2nd.

Seriously, I truly, madly, deeply love every season.  No favorites because I love them all.  And it’s that unbridled love that leaves me desperately hanging on to each passing one.  Summer, you cannot leave yet!  Why? Because I say so!  And so does the official lunar calendar, which states that autumn doesn’t begin until SEPTEMBER 22.  Boo-yah!

So don’t run off too fast my sweet summer!  In honor of your final 12 days, I will be writing some deliciously intoxicating letters to the stuff of my summer…with a nerdy twist.

The assignment details: create an Encyclopedia of Summer with entries that highlight the memorable parts of your hiatus.  Be creative in headings and descriptions of your experiences.  Pictures are welcome but not required.  As always, use MLA formatting for all work that is not your own.

That’s right Summer, you’ve inspired me to share with my readers a scrumptious taste of your sunshine—Britannica style.

Affectionately,
A