Cory, Owning this jacket doesn’t mean you can pick up smoking and buy a motorcycle.  Get over it.

Dumpster Diving Dirty Santa Party, Best. Idea. Ever.  Here’s what we walked away with:
•    An ornament made of lent wrapped in a dryer sheet
•    MRE…yum
•    Crunk cup from Pottery Barn dumpster
•    Robin’s mask
•    A wet shoe
•    Broken glass
•    A shoebox full of lists found behind Wal-Mart
Yeah, and people who have those “Tacky Christmas Sweater” parties think they’re soooo cool.

Highway Patrolman, What a nice little chat we got to have on the side of the Cherokee Turnpike.  As delightful as it was, I hope I never see you again.

Olive Garden, Welcome to the neighborhood!  Now if you would please invite your friends…wink wink Barnes and Noble, On the Border, and Nordaggios.

One-legged 50lb Wrestler, What’s up with you beating my little cousin?  He had nothing to hold on to!

Patagonia Reversible Shoe Box, Shoe box?  More like Amazingly Fabulous Wonder Box. You’re an ecologically brilliant idea and an inspiration to every other shoemaker who peddles their goods in tacky one-use-only-sad-excuse-for-a-box boxes.  The shoes that came inside are pretty cool too.

Siloam Springs, Good seeing you again.  Love the new look (read: Casino! Movie Theater! Maurices!).  You know I’ll be back in about 6 months since that seems to be the max I can live without you.

Snow Days, No matter how old I am, you’ll always be my favorite kind of days.  And definitely one of the top 10 reasons why being a teacher is the best profession in the world.

Stuffed Snowmen on Stage for Church Christmas Choir Performance, One question—Why?

Team Tight Ends, Well played.  You were a worthy Fantasy Football Playoffs adversary.  If only you could have joined me on my celebratory trip to Disney World.  Can’t wait for next season.

Tom Cruise, I’m moving you down from #4 to #6 on the list of Actors Who Annoy Me So Much I Refuse To See Their Movies.  Valkyrie rocked.  Too bad your wife is still in my top 3.

USPS, 6 boxes from Owasso to Bamako in 13 days!  Are you kidding me?  Next time I’m going to ship myself in a flat rate box and save on airfare.  A huge thank you from me and some very grateful missionaries.

W, I was unaware you were able to use your phone to call me.  10 points for the frequency of calls and wittiness of conversation.  Another 20 points for the real date we actually had.  And, a whopping 1000 points for diamonds in the Christmas present.

Wireless Printer, Where have you been all my life?  I might have just printed today’s To Do list.  Because I can.

Alphabetically filling in the blank is always theraputic. Try it.

–A

QUOTES: brought to you by the JBU Denver Reunion, starring some witty girls who desperately needed to laugh for 72 hours straight

“If her kids are dogs, what does that say about her husband?” –Sara

“They look like crosses with the tops chopped off or like sideways Tetris pieces.”
“Sooo…a T?”
“I’m retarded.”
–Me describing the very strange shapes painted on the road and Sara simplifying the solution

“I take your picture.”
–Pedicurist who proceeded to take at least 20 pictures of us having our toes done.

“I have speaker phone!?”
–Me on this grand revelation unveiled by Sara (referring to the phone I’ve had for 2 years)

“8 ketchups.”
–Jenny on the amount of condiments she needed for her French fries

“Did you tell him that you loved him?”
–Sara to me on my feelings for the Chic-fil-a cashier

“WHAT?” (accompanied by dropped jaw and wide eyes)

–Jenny after I showed her this picture and told her W was the one on the right.

To all of those who made these quotes possible (especially the cute redhead who very flirtatiously asked me which sauce I wanted with my chicken nuggets),

Thanks.

Forever in your debt,

A

So I was thinking about the posthumous biography of my life. I’ve already decided esteemed bloggers Jessica and Heather from here will make the best authors (Harper Lee is not responding to my letters or famous Miss Maudie Lane cakes). And while fretting over global warming and the casting of the new 90210, I’ve also begun to worry about the lack of resources Jessica and Heather will have while penning my story.

The most obvious choice of resources—my journal—will be useless as I am not a consistent, thought-provoking, or even legible journaler. They’d probably stumble upon my large collection of impenetrably folded notes passed among me and my friends in the halls of Central Middle School. Pointless unless they’re interested in the results of our many MASH games or whom I hearted in 6th hour Spanish.

So what will be their muse? What will tell my story? Cue Facebook. In the archives of my profile page they’ll find all they need to know. Music I loved, movies I watched, religions I practiced. They will discover entire wall-to-wall conversations documenting coffee date confirmations, get-well wishes, and a disturbing amount of Jim Gaffigan references. Photo Albums will artifact who I was, where I went, and sadly what I wore.

But your chapter, Relationship Status. O, what a meager portion you will serve the reader. Since Facebook and I met over five years ago, everything else on my profile has been updated regularly. I hope you haven’t felt left out. It’s not my fault. All the other guys are in my jurisdiction, but you’re dependent on so many other factors that whole sections of bookstores are dedicated to you and your plethora of problems.

Fear not. This letter is an announcement, not a lamentation. I bring good tidings of great joy! Static Relationship Status, it’s time for you to spice up your small chapter in the bestselling Life of Amber According to Facebook. It’s time for something new.

Yes, strip free of that SINGLE label and try this one on (drum roll, please): IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Listen, you’ve been holding so tightly to that Single status for almost four years now. Four years. That’s a presidential term! Or more importantly, the amount of time before I see Michael Phelps’ 24 pack in all of its glory flashed repeatedly on my television every night! It’s just too long.

For two of those four years I’ve been in-like with a fella who coincidently is sweet on me, too. You know the story…boy meets girl at church, girl thinks he’s scrawny but secretly hopes he’s interested, he makes no move (“She’s out of my league” he says), she leaves for Africa, as a clueless infatuated boy he sends her diamond earrings for Christmas, she swoons, a Notebook-esque summer in the States follows, she’s off to Africa again, during the Christmas homecoming she freaks and breaks things off with him at iHop the day before she leaves again, he is confused, she’s incommunicado for six months, realizes she was an idiot, he forgives her for being an idiot and admits he’s also an idiot, says she’s as pretty as a sunflower seed.

Textbook. Yep, just what I had in mind when I pictured how I’d change my Relationship Status. Nothing dramatic or confusing or crazy. Just your typical boy meets girl. Girl meets OH MY GOSH WHAT THE HECK ARE WE DOING IN A RELATIONSHIP? CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? WHAT DO WE DO NOW? ARE WE REQUIRED TO HANG OUT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT? BECAUSE EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT I LIKE WATCHING OLD MOVIES ON PBS AND YOU DON’T LIKE OLD MOVIES. AND WHY DON’T YOU EVER WEAR FLIP-FLOPS? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ORDERING FOR ME AT RESTAURANTS? SHOULD WE START TAKING PICTURES TOGETHER BECAUSE IN 2 YEARS OF KNOWING EACH OTHER WE DON’T HAVE ANY PICTURES TOGETHER!

Yeah, it’s pretty much like that.

And Facebook Relationship Status, or anyone else who doubts the endearing qualities of this new boy (who I’ll affectionately call W), all you need to know is the following conversation we had yesterday via e-mail:

Me to W: Here is something funny I just read in my Cross-Cult. Comm. textbook: “Your second-grade teacher may have asked you to stop throwing rocks at a group of birds. Perhaps the teacher added that the birds were part of a family and were gathering food for their babies. She might have also indicated that birds feel pain just like people. Perhaps 20 years later, you are invited to go quail hunting. You are about to say yes when you remember those words from your teacher and decide not to go.”

W to Me: Wow, I would just shoot the quail in front of my second grade teacher, if she’s even alive.

And that’s how he won my heart. And why I’m changing you, Facebook Relationship Status. Because I could never be prouder to be in a relationship with someone who—despite his aversion to Third Day—unashamedly watched High School Musical with me (twice), brings flowers to the airport, lets me win at Frisbee golf and eat his food without asking, quotes entire dialogues of Big Daddy while grocery shopping, and owns a purple shirt with a dinosaur on it.

And might have a promising future in quail hunting.